A Letter for No One

Dear Future Significant Other,

I've decided to give you a few tips and warnings on how to handle me with care, unfortunately with a major disadvantage of not entirely knowing who you are or when you'll get here.

one. If my heart could be a person, it would be a boxer. Although it has been in the ring many times before, the many blows your sex has given me has left my little organ of a fighter with some lasting scars. My heart has been glued back together, scotch-taped, and covered with band aids over and over, and I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't hurt me on purpose (though I completely understand that couple's quarrels are inevitable). It's a complete contradiction, but my little boxer is simultaneously strong and fragile, meaning that it's experienced in the battlefield of "love" or whatever you may call it (though the word "love" really does make me cringe at the moment) and at the same time, there's a lot of wear and tear. Right now my heart is bubble wrapped. Let's hope it won't fall into a Humpty Dumpty situation at all in the future.

two. I would hate to sound like a Letters to Cleo song, but "I want you to want me," and if you do want me, you better show it, mean it, and earn your way to deserve my affection. I don't care if you're not an alpha male; it is definitely not a plausible excuse for a lack of initiative especially since I do not consider myself an alpha female but yet I do try to do something if I honestly liked someone instead of acting like I'm waiting in a castle for some guy to find me. Time is of the essence and chivalry on the guy's end at this point in time has died for the most part. As Judy has said to Betty in White Christmas, "You can't leave everything up to fate. Just like honesty needs a little plus, fate needs a little push." So do not be afraid to be a little aggressive. If you go overboard and start stalking me, I will get a restraining order on you. Believe me, I will.

three. Whoa, those first two things are kind of heavy. Here. Take a breather. Here are some trivial things that you could do to make me happy:

a. I love (good) surprises! I love it when people go out of their way to be creative and make their own cards, presents, and things. I always preferred physical mail over electronic messages because they're tangible and they have gone through a journey to get to me. Sometimes I wish it's still possible to receive telegrams, but those days are over. I'm sorry, but I'm sentimental like that. Oh please adore me.

b. If you tried to lasso the moon for me like Jimmy Stewart did for Donna Reed in It's A Wonderful Life, you will have a very special place in my heart. It's A Wonderful Life is tied with Hitchcock's Notorious as my favorite film.

c. It makes me very happy that you actually pay attention to what I like and it shows when I least expect it. Here are some starter tips if you are desperately a noob:

Favorite color: baby blue - because I grew up watching Cinderella - and yes, that happens to be my favorite Disney animated movie as well.

Favorite flower: yellow daffodils

Chocolate preference: milk or white chocolate - I adore truffles and butter cream chocolates!

Favorite book: Tess of the d'Urbervilles par Thomas Hardy

Favorite director: Alfred Hitchcock (Francois Truffaut and Pedro Almodovar are runners up)

Favorite fruit: cherries

d. Wear a suit. Oh please do. It will melt my heart a wittle. Suits make men look so much better.

e. Be hygienic and smell good - because I have a thing for men who smell nice. A habitually clean man is so hard to find.

f. If you can cook, show it off. I love it when a man can cook, and plus I love eating.

four. Try to be tactful and don't constantly tell me that other female celebrities are hot. The truth is that if those certain females are bonafide bombshells of attractiveness, I'll most likely agree with you. 

par exemple

hot. stunningly gorgeous would be the correct phrase actually

not hot. a butterface with she-devil eyes

The downfall of always verbalizing those kinds of thoughts is that it will cause me to suspect that you're really not that into me, and if that's the case, then you won't see me again and all you'll have left is your secret stash of pornos.

Coupling Season 3, Episode 1 "Split"

five. I will be brief when I list these things only because I think you should earn your way into finding these things out for yourself.

Signs that you either gained my trust or I have invested some serious emotions in regards to you:

a. I sing to you (sober).

b. I give you a one-of-a-kind gift that was handcrafted by moi.

six. I apologize beforehand for hurting your feelings by being blunt. If I didn't care about you or feel comfortable with you at all, I would have sugar coated everything I said instead and then you wouldn't grasp my unusual sense of random humor. I only do it because that's how I am. I speak my mind. I'm a bad liar and so I don't bother with lying. I try my best to be genuinely honest and I hope you respect that.

Well, hon, smile a little bit more so I would smile back at you when you do. Don't fret. I'll meet you eventually. It's more a matter of when, where, and how. Honestly, I could have met you in a sandbox, or I could have passed you on the sidewalk. Well, until we meet, I'll be keeping myself busy and making myself more and more awesome than I am now. Maybe you'll find me reading This Side of Paradise at a coffee shop? In any case, we shall see. Que sera sera.

Eventually yours,
Little Miss Sweetheart

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