Yours, Mine, and Not Ours

Is it wrong to get freaked out by the words "we" and "us" when used by someone you're seeing or dating? To avoid confusion or any guessing games, this hasn't happened to me recently, but it has happened to me before. In high school, while waiting for a ride back home, I mentioned to an old boyfriend that he would have cute kids if he ever had any, and he agreed with a "yea, our kids would be cute." Our kids. Our kids?? OUR KIDS?! First of all, I don't understand why my high school self would even suggest, let alone talk about someone spawning mini versions of themselves; I blame teenage hormones. Secondly, did the word "our" scare you, too? Because it sure did for me, even as a high school sophomore. I think I covered up my horror with a half-hearted smile, which he probably assumed was a mutual approval for the possibility of "us" breeding mini "us"es.

Regina Spektor's "Us" 

I remember dating a guy who would often start sentences with "we" as in "We should go to the..." or "We need to..." You should probably know that that he did this within the first two weeks of meeting me. When did you and I become a "we," when did we become a couple, a unit, Siamese twins joined at the hip? Also, why was I not informed about this? I didn't get the latest "we" newsletter that announced our "we"hood. That's another problem I've had with men before. Some of them don't think it's important enough to consult me before announcing our couplehood to other people (way to jump the gun, boys!). If there's an "us," then maybe communication is in order about this new commitment called "us." It's like this one song my friends in middle school used to listen to all the time called U + Me = Us by 2gether. Sure, grammatically you and I would have to equate to "we" or "us" but notice that there's that conjunction + (plus or and). The conjunction there signifies some kind of mutual agreement or acknowledgment that a certain couplehood exists and commitment most likely fits somewhere in that equation as well. I apologize if I sound completely adverse to the idea of relationships because I really am not. It's funny because men often complain about how confusing or complicated women are, but it's the same thing the other way around; as a woman who's had experience with men, I still find myself wanting a translator for what men say or do. It would be wonderful to find a guy who has the balls to be direct and not torture me by saying something like, "I like you. Let's go steady."

Luff or Lurve

Jack Lemmon in Luv (1967)

 

"Love is a four letter word." And it's one of those enigmatic bombs in life that continues to confuse me and play with my mind. In Annie Hall (1977), Alvy tells Annie, "Love is, is too weak a word for what I feel - I lurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes I have to invent, of course I - I do, don't you think I do?” A play I read a while back on a plane ride from New York called Play with Tiger (1962) mocked the idea of love when Dave told Anna, “It’s lurve, it’s lurve, it’s lurve.” Even the Bible has a whole entire section on the concept of love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)

My question in regards to this biblical definition of love is: are any of us really that pure when we do love nowadays? I know I’m anything but perfect (I’m probably this instead) and will never embody the kind of sheer purity that’s described in the Bible’s love passage. As of now, to me, love is acceptance and loyalty, knowing a person’s flaws and trying to be understanding. There is a major difference between platonic love and romantic love (a.k.a. being “in love”), but I’m only going to be focusing on the latter. Have you noticed that the English idiom/phrase “fall in love” starts with the word “fall”? To me, this phrase conveys that falling in love deals with letting your guard down and suddenly becoming emotionally vulnerable to the person you’re falling in love with; maybe that’s why people are “weak in the knees” when they fall in love.

Movies and songs project different types of romantic love, some of which are a bit too farfetched for my taste. For example, one of the most ridiculous movies on “love” that I have ever seen is Love Story (1970), which turned out to be a commercial success when it was released. Its most famous line, also its tagline, is “Love means never having to say you're sorry”; that is probably one of the most b.s. lines I have ever heard on love.  In the beginning when you first meet someone and you realize it’s (romantic) love, it might be a magical walk on Cloud 9, but for the most part, it demands for both parties to work at making their relationship survive. If people change as time goes by, their relationships also change as well and so it does take work for someone’s romantic love to last. Contrary to Love Story’s concept of love, I think that love is dependent on having great communication between the two people who are in love, so the idea of not conveying you’re sorry to the person you love is a completely idiotic idea. If you can’t manage to say sorry to the person you love, then that’s one big reason (out of possibly many reasons) for you to not deserve the person you love. Love isn’t always raining puppies and roses; like for many things in life, sometimes bad things have to happen for good things to come. What comes up must come down.

I feel like the word “love” have been overused so much that sometimes people or probably the media have sucked the meaning out of it. Instead of a nice juicy grape, love is some dried up raisin. I often wondered if love was like milk – it has an expiration date and at one point or another it will turn sour. Perhaps I’m way too young to be cynical about the concept of love. I’m know my opinion on “love” will continue to change, but I’m half hoping that love turns out to be something like wine – it’s something that gets better with old age.

I can only hope that if I ever get married, I’ll be as happy as Ma and Pa Newman here:

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I’ll leave you with this quote that I encountered when I watched The Last Station (2009), a movie that I’m not exactly enamoured with (but I do think this quote is fantastic):

“Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love. Everything is united by it alone. Love is God, and to die means that I, a particle of love, shall return to the general and eternal source.” 

–Leo Tolstoy

A Letter for No One

Dear Future Significant Other,

I've decided to give you a few tips and warnings on how to handle me with care, unfortunately with a major disadvantage of not entirely knowing who you are or when you'll get here.

one. If my heart could be a person, it would be a boxer. Although it has been in the ring many times before, the many blows your sex has given me has left my little organ of a fighter with some lasting scars. My heart has been glued back together, scotch-taped, and covered with band aids over and over, and I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't hurt me on purpose (though I completely understand that couple's quarrels are inevitable). It's a complete contradiction, but my little boxer is simultaneously strong and fragile, meaning that it's experienced in the battlefield of "love" or whatever you may call it (though the word "love" really does make me cringe at the moment) and at the same time, there's a lot of wear and tear. Right now my heart is bubble wrapped. Let's hope it won't fall into a Humpty Dumpty situation at all in the future.

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two. I would hate to sound like a Letters to Cleo song, but "I want you to want me," and if you do want me, you better show it, mean it, and earn your way to deserve my affection. I don't care if you're not an alpha male; it is definitely not a plausible excuse for a lack of initiative especially since I do not consider myself an alpha female but yet I do try to do something if I honestly liked someone instead of acting like I'm waiting in a castle for some guy to find me. Time is of the essence and chivalry on the guy's end at this point in time has died for the most part. As Judy has said to Betty in White Christmas, "You can't leave everything up to fate. Just like honesty needs a little plus, fate needs a little push." So do not be afraid to be a little aggressive. If you go overboard and start stalking me, I will get a restraining order on you. Believe me, I will.

three. Whoa, those first two things are kind of heavy. Here. Take a breather. Here are some trivial things that you could do to make me happy:

a. I love (good) surprises! I love it when people go out of their way to be creative and make their own cards, presents, and things. I always preferred physical mail over electronic messages because they're tangible and they have gone through a journey to get to me. Sometimes I wish it's still possible to receive telegrams, but those days are over. I'm sorry, but I'm sentimental like that. Oh please adore me.

b. If you tried to lasso the moon for me like Jimmy Stewart did for Donna Reed in It's A Wonderful Life, you will have a very special place in my heart. It's A Wonderful Life is tied with Hitchcock's Notorious as my favorite film.

c. It makes me very happy that you actually pay attention to what I like and it shows when I least expect it. Here are some starter tips if you are desperately a noob:

Favorite color: baby blue - because I grew up watching Cinderella - and yes, that happens to be my favorite Disney animated movie as well.

Favorite flower: yellow daffodils

Chocolate preference: milk or white chocolate - I adore truffles and butter cream chocolates!

Favorite book: Tess of the d'Urbervilles par Thomas Hardy

Favorite director: Alfred Hitchcock (Francois Truffaut and Pedro Almodovar are runners up)

Favorite fruit: cherries

d. Wear a suit. Oh please do. It will melt my heart a wittle. Suits make men look so much better.


e. Be hygienic and smell good - because I have a thing for men who smell nice. A habitually clean man is so hard to find.


f. If you can cook, show it off. I love it when a man can cook, and plus I love eating.


four. Try to be tactful and don't constantly tell me that other female celebrities are hot. The truth is that if those certain females are bonafide bombshells of attractiveness, I'll most likely agree with you. 

par exemple

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hot. stunningly gorgeous would be the correct phrase actually

not hot. a butterface with she-devil eyes

The downfall of always verbalizing those kinds of thoughts is that it will cause me to suspect that you're really not that into me, and if that's the case, then you won't see me again and all you'll have left is your secret stash of pornos.

Coupling Season 3, Episode 1 "Split"

five. I will be brief when I list these things only because I think you should earn your way into finding these things out for yourself.


Signs that you either gained my trust or I have invested some serious emotions in regards to you:


a. I sing to you (sober).


b. I give you a one-of-a-kind gift that was handcrafted by moi.


six. I apologize beforehand for hurting your feelings by being blunt. If I didn't care about you or feel comfortable with you at all, I would have sugar coated everything I said instead and then you wouldn't grasp my unusual sense of random humor. I only do it because that's how I am. I speak my mind. I'm a bad liar and so I don't bother with lying. I try my best to be genuinely honest and I hope you respect that.


Well, hon, smile a little bit more so I would smile back at you when you do. Don't fret. I'll meet you eventually. It's more a matter of when, where, and how. Honestly, I could have met you in a sandbox, or I could have passed you on the sidewalk. Well, until we meet, I'll be keeping myself busy and making myself more and more awesome than I am now. Maybe you'll find me reading This Side of Paradise at a coffee shop? In any case, we shall see. Que sera sera.


Eventually yours,
Little Miss Sweetheart

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