Firsts

I just realized that it's been a decade since I started dating.

Way to feel old. Oh well. Here's a list of firsts:

(in autobiographical order)

First fictional book character I was afraid for

Peter Rabbit

First racist moment I can remember

was when I was placed in English as a Second Language 

(as opposed to English Language Development) classes

from kindergarten to second grade

when my first language is English. 

I was born in Los Angeles. Go figure. Messed up much?

First crush on a real life, non-celebrity person

was on a little blonde boy named Dan in my first grade class.

I'm sure the rationale behind this crush was purely shallow

because I didn't know him then and I still don't know him now.

First theater screening I can remember

Housesitter (1992)

Why did we watch this?

Why didn't we just watch Tim Burton's Batman Returns (1992) instead?

First favorite food that I ate too much of 

and then got sick of / threw up from 

and now I hate it

peanut butter

First cassette tape

Amy Grant's "Baby Baby"

It's annoying how much that title reminds of Justin Bieber.

First "sport" I was really into

Four square.

I sucked at cat's cradle

and was mediocre at punch ball

but I ruled at four square.

First book series I finished

Nancy Drew Mystery Stories (the original 56 books on Nancy Drew)

First fictional filmic character

that frightened the bejesus out of me

The Mask (1994)

First album

Mariah Carey's Daydream received on my birthday in fifth grade.

Due to the influence of my older sister, I used to worship Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston (Yes, I remember The Bodyguard (1992). It sparked my habit of singing into a hair brush, dancing, and prancing around my bedroom.

Yes, I danced and sang along to Ace of Base then too (thanks, Val).

First concert

*NSYNC at the Rose Bowl in 7th grade

First time I got hit on

was around a camp fire during band/orchestra camp.

Of course I didn't realize it then because

I was cold and hiding from another boy

and so I surrounded myself with other teens playing mafia.

First television series I started watching from start to finish

Desperate Housewives

First kiss

not worth discussing.

Have you noticed that every romantic physical first is always awkward(ly bad)?

First alcoholic drink

Polar Bear.

I really wish it was an appletini instead but it wasn't.

Expiration Dates

One of the things that I learned about myself from the kind of books I love reading is that it's usually the tragically flawed heroes/protagonists that I'm drawn to. These books include This Side of Paradise*, David Copperfield, The World According to Garp*, and The Irresistible Henry House, which all have a fictional, biographical touch to them. The male protagonists in these books are so raw and human that you cannot help but love them - not because you want to fix them but because after reading so much extensive information about their background and why they are the way they are, you understand them (Why do you think so many people love watching Dexter? No one really wants him to be a serial killer, but you can't help but feel for him somehow. I can't really say the same about Don Draper from Mad Men. He may be a pretty man but there is no end to his douchebaggery. He continues to piss me off.) Perfection is not the end goal here, it's the ability to survive in spite of bad happenstances in life (or at least that's what I keep on telling myself). If someone does not seem to have any flaws at all, my guess is that there is probably something seriously wrong with that person; we just don't know about it, that's all.

  

Dead Like Me

I notice that serial narrative is one of the things that help me move on and cope with things in life. Lately I've been watching Dead Like Me, and the point that comes across over and over while watching this series is that everything has an expiration date, everything is ephemeral. Although this is probably really crudely phrased, life is freakishly short and time doesn't stand still - a piano might fall on your head or there might be a slipping accident at a supermarket that may end you so do the things you can do before you regret not doing them.

There was a Dead Like Me episode about how the undead (grim reapers) had to input all of their records of people's last thoughts before they died. One of the saddest last thoughts that was highlighted in that episode was "Why has no one loved me?" - which has got to be the most depressing thing someone can think of right before they die.

last thoughts on an Excel sheet in Dead Like Me Season 1, Episode 13 "Vacation"

"We're all temps" in life (Daisy, Dead Like Me Season 1, Episode 13 "Vacation"). Nothing is forever as phases in your life can be periods of adjustment, some lasting longer than others unfortunately. I try to soak in upbeat tunes and gorgeous images people take/create. Those are the little kicks in life that spices up the monotony behind our daily routines as trivial as those things may be.

When people come and go in your life, the two things that you usually remember in regards to these people are the firsts and lasts that you've had in your encounters with them - i.e. how you met someone, how things started out, whether things ended on good or bad terms, the last kiss, the last set of words exchanged. Basically you remember the bookends of your significant or insignificant relationship/encounter with another person. Not that the things in between don't matter, but the bookends keep all those little memories and events in sequential order. It's like how archives keep loose materials in order but in plastic or acid-free paper boxes. A collection of memories should be kept together, housed and shelved in the same part of your brain, a kind of metaphorical Memex I suppose.

I've always loved this poster, but this is such a crap movie.

Maybe the writers of the original Sweet November (1968) movie had the right idea: set a month long limit to a relationship as to propel the kind of intimacy that takes forever for people to get to, but end a relationship before it could even start to grow sour. There's something poetic yet bittersweet to that idea. Beauty fades, puppy love (aka the honeymoon period) goes away as well.

 

Sweet November (1968)

Sweet November (2001) = crappy remake

I'm done with men for now. I give up. The aftermath after the storm of sadness kills me every time; it's always a mission to forget. It's not like every time a relationship ends, I can dip my head in some sort of River Lethe, or brain wipe myself like they do in Dollhouse or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind just to selectively forget people. Presto, chango, bad feelings begone! No, it's not that easy and it doesn't work that way. I don't know how people stay in happy long term relationships - but if they're able to do that, more power to them. They've got the staying power and I don't.

Dollhouse treatment

 

brain damaging memory erasure procedure in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

This one thing Charlotte said in Sex and the City resonates with me: "I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?" The normal and more optimistic me would probably tell her to stop looking because once she stops looking, "he'll" pop up, but right now, I'm thinking, who the fuck cares? Stop investing your time and energy in this invisible, mythical "he" when you could be making yourself an awesome and real, legendary "you." Be a super lady. Just don't wear your cape in public. Live while you can.

P.S. Random fact: The Greek word for "eclipse" means "cease to exist."

* = books that changed my life / made an impact on me

Baisers volés (Stolen Kisses)

This is what I do when I'm stressed and can't focus: I take photos.

basket of kisses. Mad Men anyone?

baby blues

enfance

lion's den

 one of the first few things I see when I wake up and before I go to sleep

both record and vintage music sheets are from a flea market in the Upper East Side;

The Beautiful and Damned is from Barnes & Noble;

and the flower-pearl headband is from Forever 21

my latest reading phase is on books by Virginia Woolf

 

binders for L.I.S. courses

 

Paperchase fosters my love of notebooks

What's Up Tiger Lily DVD, a book from Madrid on what Socrates said to Woody Allen,

and 3D glasses from a screening of TRON: Legacy

Pink Vomit

The Avengers Season 5, Episode 1 "From Venus with Love"

The title of this post is the nickname that I have been giving to all Valentine's Day related merchandise (see below).

Sometime between Christmas and New Year's Eve, 

Target started lining up all of their Valentine's Day merchandise.

(FYI, St. Patrick's Day merch is also out now too.)

 pink vomit at Ikea on New Year's Day

These red/pink things can be likened to "pink vomit," a sort of ugly, (abhorred) kitsch of a mess, that ironically makes of me think of Pepto-Bismol because of its color. I realize that not all "pink vomit" is necessarily "pink," but I rather call it "pink vomit" because "red vomit" sounds like a horror fest in the back of someone's car, as if it's a problem beyond alcohol poisoning. There is just so much crappy, poorly designed pink vomit out there in stores. I remember seeing a giant red lips-shaped pillow hanging on a string and thinking, "Who's the poor sap who's going to receive this and have to pretend that he/she loves it?"

Truthfully, I'm not entirely sure if I like or loathe Valentine's Day; I'd say that I'm ambivalent towards it. To me, Valentine's Day isn't a real holiday - it's more of a commercialized excuse for us to buy overly sentimental stuff and perhaps indulge yourself and your loved one(s) with pro-diabetic sweets (of which I am entirely guilty of).

Valentine vomit in I Hate Valentine's Day (2009)

anti-Valentine's Day comradery in I Hate Valentine's Day (2009)

I miss those days when I was in elementary school and all Valentine's Day meant was pretty much playing You've Got Mail with your own white paper bag decorated with red and pink hearts, shapes, and things, and passing out candy Scotch-taped on to the back of cute kiddie Valentine's Day cards like a little mail carrier.

cute kiddie Muppets Valentine's Day card from my co-pilot

Valentine's Day was like Halloween except with a totally different color scheme and without the pressure to dress up - plus there was no need to walk from door to door for candy because you'd be passing out candy in the classroom. Valentine's Day cards were like cute little corny trading cards. You can compare them with your friends and say things like, "Which one did you get?" and "Ohhh, I like that one!" Juvenile, I know, but they're nice childhood memories for my sentimental heart.

Then when it came to middle school and high school, Valentine's Day was the day when you'd see how many of your friends shelled out money for candy grams just so the people who passed them out could announce that you've received a candy gram or two, which gives you about ten seconds of attention from your class.

It's not like I have never been romanced in my life before, because I have, but Valentine's Day is plain annoying. About two years ago, I used to be like this lady:

Genevieve, played by Nia Vardalos, passing out V-Day goodies

to local strangers in I Hate Valentine's Day (2009)

Back then, I decided to embrace the dreaded Pink Vomit day because in my opinion and from past experiences, it's easier to face something and accept it rather than ignore it as if it didn't exist. I baked cupcakes, I passed out things, I did the whole shebang (oh god, I think some people thought I really loved Valentine's Day when I actually wasn't enamored with it - I just didn't want to feel like shit, guys... or have the people I'm surrounded by feel like shit either). The sentiment behind these actions was that even if someone is not romantically attached to anyone, that doesn't mean that person is any less worthy to receive attention from a friend or co-worker on such a stupid commercialized faux-holiday.

Valentine's Day could be a double-edged sword depending on how you see it. On one hand, it supposedly promotes the idea of "love" and encourages people to express that love; on the other hand, it could be a day of hell as described by the character Genevieve in I Hate Valentine's Day (2009):

"It's just a day of pressure, isn't it? I mean, even if you're in a relationship, which I'm not, it's just a day that makes you feel inadequate. Am I doing enough for this person? Did I get a big enough gift? Do I even know this person?"

In response to this quote, I've been there before, with another girlfriend actually when both our boyfriends didn't say Happy Valentine's Day. We brooded and had a nice night of drinking. The way I see it, for people who are in relationships, as long as you make your significant other feel like a somebody rather than an anybody or a nobody, you're good. The idea is to make that person feel special because feeling special (different from anyone else that you have been with before aka an exception), wanted, and maybe needed is the incentive that drives someone to want to stay with you.

pretty images from Paramore's "The Only Exception"

(I am definitely in love with her fiery hair!)

This father-daughter talk about dating etiquette during the "olden days" sums things up:

Sally Field as Gidget (Season 1, Episode 12 "Chivalry Isn't Dead")

Dad: [I]n the olden days, the thought of dating was the challenge, the uncertainty. We couldn't take a girl for granted. We had to woo her, pursue her - be considerate, charming."

Gidget: And if you weren't?

Dad: She went out with someone who was.

So my plans for this year's Valentine's Day? I have no clue. Maybe I'll head over to the ONE Archives that day? shrug. I just know that no matter how annoying Valentine's Day ads and merchandise are, you have the ability to control your own attitude and how you act so make your outlook on this commercialized holiday a good one. By all means, make yourself some cookies if you want to. I might do that actually.

Or if you're really into Valentine's Day, you can draw some inspiration from the Smurfs:

Smurfs Season 1, Episode 9 "Romeo and Smurfette"

Oh yeah. Don't do this. Really. Don't. Do. This:

from I Hate Valentine's Day (2009)

Oh god, RUN NOWW!